It's time to leave. perhaps?

Saturday, July 28, 2018 0 Comments

(Rants ahead! Be warned!)

Few days back, I wrote, on my Instagram story that sometimes your job is like a romantic relationship. The opposite is also true. Ending one gives you a bit of a heart wrenching beat. Two good people, sharing almost similar value (somewhat) but now at the brink of leaving each other, perhaps just for the better. But why so..?

Finally understood why Claire and John couldn't make up their minds in a relationship. Leaving and coming back again like some undulating rubber ball that's bouncing aimlessly over the floor with no direction. I remembered watching two couples arguing helplessly, wondering what could be so difficult on making a decision to stay or leave. but. when I was put in this situation myself I could fully understood why.

Being the so-called-guru of two of my best friends at hand, even I, even I myself couldn't handle it. Couldn't handle the situation so well. I knew that I've always have a lil something in the beginning but I ignored it. I thought it was alright. but those lil habits actually grew into annoyance. and it became a lil of something that bottled up and became the main thing that caused the squabbles.

I thought, I was that kind of girl that doesn't need to be showered with too much attention and gifts. Boy, I was wrong. I suppose I was just like every other girl. I remembered my first relationship over 3 years ago, and I took part of it for granted. It was 2 and the half blissful years until the day I found out I wasn't the only one. It was a heart wrenching moment when I knew someone else was in picture. But lets talk about that next time. It would've been a disaster if we'd carried on. Although painful, I'm glad I wanted to end it.

My former significant other, (lets call him David) bought me bottled belts, sports equipment and accessories that I needed without me knowing. Or perhaps he'd just buy me a phone charger because he knew my old one was broken. I appreciate it so much for all the small things. I guess, this was the part I took for granted because not everyone could or is able to do that. We'd chat all day long, do stuff we loved all day and in return, I'd always try to make something nice for him. I love making food, not presentable but, perhaps still edible. *laughs* Sure, we do argue but it was perhaps mainly because I was a lil stubborn mule. and he was just trying to protect me at best. And I have my fair share of wanting to be the dominant one in the relationship, I try to, so we'd bicker for that.

And I could finally understood the feeling of why some girls left because they were attention deprived. Deprived from that one person they'd wanted attention most. Never in a million years I'd ever think I would have that kind of sentience. I always thought I was different in that sense. I thought. Until one day someone crossed my path, in that special way again, I realized that I wasn't any different. Another thing I now realize I didn't have and this thing I took for granted.

He couldn't give me the luxury of time and attention that I wanted as much as David did. Perhaps a lil less mature and perhaps the way our upbringing was a lil different. I would rant at mum and say that he never buys nothing for the family when he comes over, just because David used to do so occasionally when he visits (he buys food most of the time). and his timeliness.. I was so used to David's timeliness and he'd always talk to me about mine. I was always running around, either helping my parents (mostly mum) or having my own activities during uni-days and thought David couldn't quite understand that I was rushing left and right to run mum's errands and my own stuff.  I understand now why and how he feels frustrated sometimes because in this relationship, the table has turned.

But, I shouldn't compare. I should put it all in the past. The relationship didn't make it for a reason. It took me 1 and the half long year to finally forget David. 2 full years for it to be 'clean'. Now, in this relationship (let's call him Logan), Logan didn't come clean when we started dating. But I do appreciate him being transparent with me about it after I bombarded him about it. But honestly I couldn't quite accept it. I thought I could. I couldn't. I couldn't also stand when I caught him peeking at girls. I couldn't. but he'd always say it doesn't mean I loved you a lil less. I've always cared for you. (and yes, I really wouldn't deny that) I felt I was a different girl than his past. Ego got into my head and felt that for him to like me, I was like his former girlfriend.

Some day, I accidentally saw him stalking his ex. I thought to myself: " No way I'm like this lil loser, I'm way better. I wish he'd stop stalking her social media." Then I scrolled through his feed; He used to have some undeleted pictures of his ex on his social media. Where's mine? Logan would tell me he'd buy lil presents for his ex. He'd use most of his pocket money to get her presents. Where's mine? It got me thinking if he wasn't sure of this relationship. He couldn't even talk to Dad when I asked him to. So much thoughts. Thoughts that are running in auto-mode, overdriven, heated, ugly, messy, all nasties. Guess that's what they call jealousy.  *sigh*

He'd try to patch it up and hold us together and tell me he hasn't done stalking for a long time but. I didn't trust him. I wish I could but perhaps what happened in the past has caused me to not trust him. He wasn't a bad guy... but perhaps it's not his problem but mine. Oh, such cliché! Perhaps we met at the wrong time.  or ultimately we're meant to only be friends. I'd want to rant out so much. but.. there's only so much I could pen down.

Ultimately... neither of us could be sure of what's in-store but both our gut feeling tells us that its either we compromise or we'd walk our separate ways.

Love,